Blowing Toads

Today, I blew toads. Yes, literally. I was in my front yard, attempting to clear the dumping of leaves and small branches from my fenced off flower area. I seldom use the leaf blower, but having totally jacked up my left arm and shoulder painting the entire hallway in an hour on Friday, I was trying to keep a low profile and resist putting in more steps or painting.

So I got the leaf blower out. Meanwhile, after the storm that caused the tree to go through the roof, zillions of teeny toads emerged, somehow triggered by the first rain of the season. They gather near the house, particularly in the garage at night, causing me to park the car in the driveway, get out and shoo the toads out of my path before pulling in.

So when I started blowing the leaves, hidden toads began wafting about in the jetstream. It was quite a sight and I admit it reminded me of my childhood days, when I burned ants with a magnifying glass, held grasshoppers by the legs and fed them to my cats, and poured salt on snails and slugs to watch them sizzle. Being  mostly vegetarian, a spokeperson for animal kindness and a pacifist; surprisingly yes, animal torture resides in my past. I am not sure what motivated it, but I felt a sense of God-like power knowing the little creatures lives depended on my whim.

This little guy was plastered on the brick, unable to go up or down. As soon as I realized what was happening I redirected the air and released the toad to continue to his destination, somewhat disturbed , likely confused, but not harmed.

I know how he feels!

Now, on with life.....

Under Construction

It occurred to me, as I followed the "Follow me" truck through the construction zone on highway 49 tonight, that would be a good name for my book. Our house has been under construction since we moved (back) up to Ryan's house 20 months ago. This road has been under MAJOR construction since about June. Our relationship is under construction. The ongoing battle within my head..a Winchester-house kind of construction. Doubts, fears, responsibilities, anger, guilt, sadness...building and tearing down, rebuilding, stepping back , re-assessing. There are doors to nowhere, with locks and no keys. There are landings with no stairs. The spectacular garden is visible from every window, but there are days I cannot find my way outside.

It also occurred to me that when i feel overwhelmed, and helpless, and angry, I have nothing to find solace in. That is the time religious people "turn it over to God." I held that thought for  second and realized I truly have no faith. I don't trust anyone or anything to take care of me. It is all up to me. It is both empowering and terrifying.

 Today I awoke, opened the door to a brick wall and walked smack into it. Tomorrow, I hope to reach the garden.

For PG

it's dark 

and

i'm worn

and I don't

want anything

i hear

nothing

there is

no one

to say come back

but then i remember

how much

i am loved

i sigh and

pull the curtain back

slowly

it's raining.

should

I have to be careful of the mornings. After the alarm, the morning cuddle and denial of said alarm, the waking of the children, the scurry for cereal and lunch money and shoes, and onemorehugiloveyou, there is silence. There is me and the dog and the cats and my pajamas and the coffee is cold and I should eat breakfast but I’m not hungry. There is the computer to check up on the world and the weather and who’s butt was showing on the red carpet and balance the checkbook and will it get warmer later and confirm work for tomorrow and then I realize its time to do something, or admit defeat. Husband calls to say kids are dropped off and something funny happened in the car and I miss you.

I go to the kitchen to find something to eat and what I really want is some cheese and wine and crackers but it’s only 9:30 so I eat reheated garlic bread instead. If my mouth tastes like dinner maybe I can pretend its evening.

The dog by now is on the driveway soaking up the sun and the cats are bored.

Here is where I should do something like shower or exercise or climb back into bed because today is too much, all those hours stretched in front of me is just too much, so much I could get done and say, I did this this and this aren’t I good? 

Lighthouses Rule!

If you haven't seen this viral video yet...enjoy.

Supposedly this guy Dan Deacon was on hallucinogenic drugs in a closet and someone recorded it, and put animation to it. I read elsewhere that he was just watching TV, flipping through the channels, commenting. I like the first scenario better :) Either way, its fantastic and quotable :)