Camping

Confession: My name is Christy, and I hate camping.

I know, camping is supposed to be fun. Everyone loves camping! Everyone is supposed to have great childhood memories about yearly camp trips in which they sing traditional songs and eat s'mores.

Personally, I sing at the drop of a hat and I do love me some s'mores. However, let me elaborate why I do not love camping.

 I came across this handy definition. Perhaps when I agreed to camp, I forgot to emphasize I require the esp. kind of campground. 

campground |ˈkampˌground|nouna place used for camping, esp. one equipped with cooking grills, water, and bathrooms.

*Camping where there are no bathrooms. 

Having a small bladder, I am no stranger to peeing outside. In a park or other nature area, or even on the side of the road, I have a lifetime of experience dropping trou. HOWEVER. Allow me to enlighten the non-bathroom challenged male gender to experience outdoor toileting from a female perspective.

1. Women have to pee more frequently than men, and I pee more frequently than most women.

2. We cannot just whip it out and point at the nearest tree. Pulling our pants ALL the way down and squatting to the ground is the only way to avoid peeing on ourselves, and even that gives no guarantee. When one is peeing that close to the ground, splashing on the ankles often occurs, and that is if you have managed not to soak your shoe. Imagine, as a man, you must lay on your back on the ground, making your junk completely visible and vulnerable. Then, pee as you lay on your back, allowing the pee to drip back onto your member and all over your balls. To dry yourself you shake your body feebly and then pull up your pants, absorbing the drips with your underwear, which are now shoved in your crack and soggy. Now repeat every 90 minutes. This is done with an understanding that you will not be showering during your camp trip and will most likely be sleeping in your crusty piss pants. Talk about a not so fresh feeling!

(At least taking a dump in a hole is an equally unpleasant experience for both genders.)

 

*Not showering.

 I often shower twice a day.  I don't mind getting dirty in the yard or garden, but it is done with the understanding that I can shower at will. I also have problem skin which causes a massive outbreak if I don't wash and exfoliate twice a day. Also, see previous crusty piss pants reference. Not good.

 

*Sleeping.

I love to sleep. I never seem to get enough sleep on a regular basis. Fortunately at home I adore my bed and pillows, and when I am in bed I am in a blissful state of comfort. Did I mention I can nap at will? I hate to be cold when I am sleeping. Therefore, my worst nightmare is sleeping on the ground, on a tiny crappy pillow, trapped in a mummy bag,  freezing my ass off in a tent. 

Plus, I always have to pee in the night. So combine the uncomfortable sleep environment with needing the get up and out of the tent to pee in the pitch dark night. Yays. I love naps in hammocks, but to sleep on the ground, yeah....no. That is no vacation.

Frankly, I don't understand packing bedding to sleep outside. For me, one of my most memorable trips was staying at the Santa Rosa Hilton. It was there that I experienced the loveliest, most comfortable bed I have ever slept in. We promptly went home and bought a new bed as a result. This spring we took a weekend wine tasting and stayed one day at said Hilton so i could take a long, long nap there. True story.

And, I now LIVE in what many would consider a campground. One can see more animals per square foot on my acreage than in any campground.( Especially now that we have bats in our attic.)

*Food. 

Generally, I have no problem with camping food (i.e.junk)However in my constant struggle to eat well, and eat enough fruits and vegetables, the presence of numerous bags of chips is not helpful. I cannot resist the chip.

I do not like to drink alcohol while camping. Refer to outdoor peeing issues.

Nuff said.

Update:

The friends we camped with last weekend informed me in no uncertain terms that I was no longer invited to camp with them, as I ruined their weekend. 

So, have fun...I'll be at the Hilton!