It occurred to me, as I followed the "Follow me" truck through the construction zone on highway 49 tonight, that would be a good name for my book. Our house has been under construction since we moved (back) up to Ryan's house 20 months ago. This road has been under MAJOR construction since about June. Our relationship is under construction. The ongoing battle within my head..a Winchester-house kind of construction. Doubts, fears, responsibilities, anger, guilt, sadness...building and tearing down, rebuilding, stepping back , re-assessing. There are doors to nowhere, with locks and no keys. There are landings with no stairs. The spectacular garden is visible from every window, but there are days I cannot find my way outside.
It also occurred to me that when i feel overwhelmed, and helpless, and angry, I have nothing to find solace in. That is the time religious people "turn it over to God." I held that thought for second and realized I truly have no faith. I don't trust anyone or anything to take care of me. It is all up to me. It is both empowering and terrifying.
Today I awoke, opened the door to a brick wall and walked smack into it. Tomorrow, I hope to reach the garden.
hey you! Wow, I forgot about your blog for a long time and just found it again in my bookmarks menu. I'm so glad I did! I love your writing and can't wait to read more if it:)
ReplyDeleteby the way, I love the "under construction" metaphor.
(stasia)
more OF it, that is. Clearly I could stand to proofread--or maybe I should bill my comment posts as under construction, too;)
ReplyDeleteAww, Hi Stasia! My favorite teacher:) Thank you for the input, I always enjoy your posts on LJ. I didn't know you blogged but now I am a follower of yours as well:)
ReplyDeletexoxo
Christy